The Lettuce Heist

Lance stared at the screen. The numbers were red.

Red meant bad.

A Caesar salad cost eighty-two dollars. That was more money than Lance had in his shoes. He had twenty dollars in his left shoe and three dollars in his right. The math did not work. Wendy liked salad. She liked the way the green leaves crunched. She liked the white cheese that looked like pencil shavings. If Lance took her to prom and they only ate air, his rizz would be zero. It would be less than zero. It would be a big, fat hole in the ground.

Outside, the spring sun was too bright. It made the old cars look like they were melting. The grass in the park was brown and dry. Only the GreenZone was bright. The GreenZone was a big glass box. Inside, everything was wet and green. It was guarded by men with big sticks and shiny badges. They did not like kids. Especially kids who looked like they lived in their hoodies.

"It is just leaves," Lance said to the air. "Why are leaves so much money?"

His stomach felt like it was full of angry bees. He needed a plan. He needed Jared.

Jared lived in a garage. The garage smelled like old oil and burnt toast. Jared was busy playing with a small black bug. The bug had four wings that spun around. It made a sound like a giant mosquito.

"I got it," Jared said. He did not look up. "Dark web. Five bucks and a bag of chips."

"Does it fly?" Lance asked. He sat on a pile of tires. The tires felt squishy.

"It flies fast. We use it to see inside. Then we go in. We grab the green stuff. We get out. Boom. Salad for Wendy."

Lance looked at the little drone. It looked fragile. Like it would break if someone sneezed on it. "What if the guards see us?"

Jared laughed. It was a dry, scratchy sound. "They are old, Lance. They can't see anything that moves faster than a turtle. Besides, Officer Griller is on duty. He likes naps."

They met at the fence when the sun started to go down. The sky was the color of a bruised peach. The spring air was cool now. It made Lance's nose itch. He pulled his mask up. It was a black mask with a frowny face on it. Jared had a mask too. His had a picture of a taco.

"Ready?" Jared whispered.

"Ready," Lance said. His heart was thumping against his ribs like a drum.

Jared tapped his phone. The drone zoomed up. It went over the tall fence. The fence had wire on top that looked like silver thorns. On Jared’s phone screen, the GreenZone looked like a forest from a movie. There were rows and rows of lettuce. They were bright, bright green. They looked juicy. They looked like they were worth a million dollars.

"There," Jared pointed. "The side door. The lock is old. I can pop it with my multi-tool."

They crawled through the dirt. The dirt was dry and got into Lance’s mouth. It tasted like pennies. They reached the door. Jared wiggled a piece of metal in the keyhole. It made a tiny click. The door swung open. The air inside was different. It was warm. It was wet. It smelled like a rainy day in a basement.

"Whoa," Lance said. He looked at the plants. They were huge. They grew out of white tubes. There was no dirt. Just water and blue lights.

Jared was not looking at the plants. He was looking at his phone. He held his phone up high. "Wait," Jared said. "I need to show the guys. This is legendary."

"Jared, stop," Lance hissed. "Just grab the Romaine."

"One second. The lighting is perfect."

Jared turned his back to a giant kale plant. He smiled big. He pressed a button on his phone. A bright white light filled the room. FLASH.

Then came the sound. It was not a small sound. It was a loud, screaming BEEP BEEP BEEP. It was so loud it made Lance’s teeth ache.

"Run!" Lance yelled.

They grabbed two heads of lettuce. They were heavy and wet. They felt like cold, slimy footballs. They ran back to the door. Outside, a flashlight beam cut through the dark. It swung back and forth like a giant finger.

"Hey!" a voice boomed. "Stop right there!"

It was Officer Griller. He was a big man. His belt was full of tools that clinked. He was running, but he was slow. He looked like he was trying to run through a pool of pudding.

Lance and Jared jumped on their electric scooters. The scooters were old. They made a whirring sound like a tired blender. Lance twisted the handle. The scooter jerked forward. He held the lettuce under his arm. It was leaking green water down his hoodie.

"Get back here, you punks!" Officer Griller shouted. He was on a scooter too, but his was official. It had a little blue light that blinked.

They zoomed down the sidewalk. The spring wind felt cold on Lance’s face. They went over a bump. The lettuce almost fell out. Lance squeezed it tighter.

"Split up!" Jared yelled. He turned left into an alley.

Lance went straight. He looked back. Officer Griller was following him. The officer’s face was very red. He looked like he was about to pop. It was funny, but Lance was too scared to laugh. He turned into a park. The trees had new blossoms on them. They looked like pink popcorn. Lance drove under the branches. Pink petals fell on his head.

He hid behind a big trash can. He turned off his scooter. He held his breath. He could hear his heart. Thump. Thump. Thump.

Officer Griller zoomed past. The little blue light disappeared into the dark. Lance waited a long time. Then he scooted to the meeting spot behind the old mall.

Jared was already there. He was sitting on a curb. He was holding his head of lettuce. But he wasn't happy. He was poking it with a finger.

"Lance," Jared said. "Look."

Lance looked at his own lettuce. He squeezed it. A big glob of green goo squirted out. It didn't smell like a salad. It smelled like plastic and soap.

"It is not real," Lance said. He felt like a balloon that had just lost all its air.

"It is lab sludge," Jared said. He pulled a leaf off. The leaf was stretchy. It looked like green rubber. "They grow it in a tube. It is fake. They sell it for eighty bucks and it is just... gunk."

Lance looked at the green goo on his hoodie. He thought about Wendy. He thought about the eighty-two dollar salad. The whole world felt like a big joke. The government was gone. The food was fake. The guards were slow. Everything was falling apart, and people were paying a fortune to eat rubber.

He started to giggle. It started in his belly and came up his throat. Jared started to laugh too. They sat on the curb under the spring stars. They laughed until their stomachs hurt. They were just two kids with fake lettuce in a world that was broken.

Lance looked at the green sludge. It was gross. It was the grossest thing he had ever seen.

"I guess we're having burgers," Lance said. "The kind made of beans."

"Wendy likes beans," Jared said, wiping a tear from his eye.

Lance nodded. He felt lighter. The bees in his stomach had gone to sleep. He looked at the pink petals on his sleeve. Spring was here. Even if the salad was a lie, the air felt good. He stood up and tossed the rubber lettuce into the dark.